How well-written is FE13? A fan re-translation.

[amielleon]

Raphi mentioned that most of the existing fan translations were awkwardly translated from Japanese to Chinese to English. I think that'd do a number to the naturalness of any text. So here's an experiment.


Here's the existing fan translation by the above method.

Rufure: Ah! Found it! Krom, I got something to say to you.
Krom: ! Rufure!
Rufure: It's about our attack plans in future battles... Oh, you look so antsy, what are you worrying about?
Krom: Ah...That...no,I have something...
Rufure: Krom? Are you okay? Are you hiding anything from me?
Krom: Er, n....no. I...I'm not hiding anything?
Rufure: ...Can you please explain this suspicious behaviour?
Krom: N...no such thing. Just like normal.
Rufure: Liar. The norma Krom always looks people in the eye when speaking to others. Krom? Didn't you say we were friends with the strongest bond? Or is that really not the case?
Krom: No...It's not like that!
Rufure:...You've been hiding from me lately, right? Pleast at least give me a reason, alright? We already have no secrets between each other, we've established that before. Ey, Krom, I'm feeling bad if you keep up like that. If you hate me, that's okay, but please at least tell me why, is that okay?
Krom: D...Don't say stupid things! I could never hate you!
Rufure: Then, why are you avoiding me as of late?
Krom:...
Rufure: Kroooom...
Krom: Ahhh, geez, making that expression, now, aren't you?
That's because... after fighting together, You and I would stay together...so, the feeling between us two, I defined it as companion, comrade, friend...or maybe family, siblings, et cetera...
So, between us, there will be no secrets. This bond was confirmed to exist between us...
but it's not like that... Why it's not like that, I've finally discovered.
Rufure: ...?...why so?
Krom: You...to me, is not like a sibling, but a woman...a rather charismatic woman.
Rufure: Eh----EH?! Krom, what are you talking about!
Krom: Q...Quiet! I've said so much, there's no turning back!
Rufure: W...wait!
Krom: Not waiting anymore! Gonna say it now! And aren't you also blushing?
Rufure: Uh...that...that's because...!
Krom: Ha---Ha----I'm gonna say it now! Prepare yourself, Rufure!
Rufure: Y...Yes?
Krom: I like you! I love you from the bottom of my heart!
Rufure: Krom...!
Krom: Just...I haven't realised it until now, I've liked you from the start!
Rufure:...!!!
Krom: ...Sorry, that was too forceful. My bad habit... but at least that's out of the way. I'm not going to force my feelings on you, so whatever your response is, I'm okay. I'm your companion...this friendship will never change, don't worry.
Rufure: I...Indeed. As the tactician and general of this army, it's best if we don't bring our private feelings into this. That's what I think.
Krom: Y...Yeah.
Rufure: But...that's for wartime. There will be one day when this war will end and peace will come. When that happens, I'm happy to accept your heart.
Krom: ...eh?
Rufure: Because...I...from the moment we met...I've liked you.
Krom: Is....that so. So...it is like this.Hahah==today is the best day of my life.

---

Here's a line-by-line. I was going to follow it up with a polished translation but I feel like it's hardly necessary for my purposes. Instead, this is slightly more liberal than my usual line-by-lines, since spirit is just as important as technical accuracy here.

% means that this line and the above don't correspond exactly to the lines breaks in the script. %3 is the same, but for three lines. And %4 for four. (Yes, I needed that here.)

Character	Japanese	My Rough Translation
Rufure	あっ、いたいた！ クロム～、ちょっと話があるんだけど。▼	Oh, here you are! Krom~ there's something I'd like to talk to you about...
Krom	！　ルフレ…！	! Rufure...!
Rufure	ちょっと今後の行軍について 相談したくって…▼ って…あなた何を ソワソワしているの？▼	It's about our marches from here on, I'd like to ask for your advice, so... So... What are you so antsy about?
Krom	あ、いや、その… 俺、ちょっと用事が…▼	Uh, well, that's... I'm, I'm a little busy, so...
Rufure	クロム…どうしたの？ 何か、あたしに隠してる？▼	Krom... What is it? Are you hiding something from me?
Krom	い、いや？　… か、隠してなんて…いないぞ？▼	N-no? ... I-I'm not... hiding anything?
Rufure	じゃあその挙動不審な態度は何なの？▼	Well then, what's with the suspicious way you're acting?
Krom	そ、そんなことはない… いつも通りだ。▼	Th-that's not so at all... I'm always like this.
Rufure	嘘よ…クロムはいつももっと堂々としていて、 ちゃんと話す時に人の目を見るもの。▼ クロム…この前あたし達は強い絆で結ばれた 親友だって、言ってくれたよね？▼ あれは…何かの…間違いだったのかな？▼	Liar. You always act much more dignified, and you always look a person straight in the eye when talking to them. Krom... Recently we've been linked by a strong bond. You even called me your close friend1, right? I wonder, was that ... somehow... a mistake?
Krom	い、いや！　そ、そういうわけじゃ…！▼	N-no! That's not it...!
Rufure	…あなた最近、 あたしを避けてるわよね？▼ 理由を…教えてよ。 もう隠し事はしないって言ってたよね？▼ …ねえ、クロム。 このままじゃあたしも気分が悪いわ。▼ あたしを嫌っているのなら、 それでも構わないわ。▼ でもせめて 理由だけでも教えてくれない？▼	... Lately, you've been avoiding me, wouldn't you have to agree?2 ... Tell me why. You said there would be no more secrets between us, right? ... Say, Krom. The way it's been lately, I've also been feeling uneasy. If you hate me, even so I wouldn't mind. But won't you at least tell me why? %
Krom	ば、バカなことを言うな！ お前を嫌うなんて…！▼ そんなことあるわけない！▼	D-don't say dumb things like that! Hating you? What even!3 It's not like that at all!
Rufure	…なら最近、 あたしを避けるのは、なぜ？▼	... If that's so, why have you been avoiding me lately?%
Krom	………▼	...
Rufure	クロム…▼	Krom...
Krom	…ああ、もう、そんな顔をするな。▼ それはだな…共に戦うようになってから、 俺とお前は常に共にいた…▼ だから俺は、 お前のことを仲間…戦友…親友、▼ いや家族、 兄妹のように感じていたんだ。▼ だからこの前だって、もう隠し事は無しだと、 絆を確かめ合ったつもりだったんだ…▼ でもそれは違う、 違うことに…気づいたんだ。▼	... Oh, quit looking at me like that. You see, it's... because we've fighting together like this, You and I have been together constantly... So I felt about you like a companion... a brother4 in arms... a close friend -- no, like family, like we were brother and sister.5%4 So about before, when I said there'd be no more secrets, I meant to confirm the bonds between us... But this is different. I've ... noticed that it's different.
Rufure	…？　…違う？▼	...? Different?
Krom	お前は、俺の兄妹じゃなくて、女…だ。 魅力的な女性なんだって…▼	The thing about you is, you're not my little sister, you're ... a woman. A fascinating lady6. That's why...
Rufure	…えっ、ええ～っ！？ く、クロム、なにを言ってるのよ！？▼	... R, REALLY~!? K-Krom, what are you saying!?
Krom	う、うるさい！　ここまで言ってしまった以上、 もう止められるものか！▼	B-be quiet! There's more I want to say. Do you want me to stop already!?
Rufure	ちょ、ちょっと待ってよ！！！▼	W-wait a moment!
Krom	待たんぞ！！　もう絶対に言ってやる！ お前だって顔が真っ赤じゃないか！▼	I've BEEN waiting7!! I'm definitely going to just say it already! Look, your face's gone completely red!
Rufure	う、ううっ…そ、それは！▼	Thhh, tha-that's such a lie!
Krom	すぅ～！　はぁ～！　すーっ！　はーっ！▼ もう言うぞ！　言うからな！！ 覚悟しろよっ！！　ルフレ！▼	[Suu~! Haa~! Suu--! Haa--!]8 I'm going to say it! I'm gonna say it!! Prepare yourself, Rufure!!
Rufure	は、はひっ！▼	[Startled giggle or yes?]9
Krom	俺は、お前が好きだ！ お前を心から愛している！▼	I - like - you! I love10 you from the bottom of my heart!
Rufure	ク、クロム…！▼	K-krom...!
Krom	今までは意識していなかっただけだ！▼ 俺は最初から… お前のことが好きだったんだ！！▼	I just never realized it until now! Just recently, I've... fallen in love11 with you!
Rufure	…！！！▼	...!!!
Krom	……すまん、少し強引になってしまった。 俺の悪いクセだな…。だが安心してくれ。▼ 俺の気持ちを押し付けるつもりはない。▼ お前の返答がどんなものであれ、俺はきちんと 受け止めるよ…俺とお前は仲間だ…▼ その友情に変わりはない。安心してくれ。▼	... Sorry, I got a bit forceful there. Bad habit of mine.... But don't you worry. I'm not going to shove my feelings on you. No matter how you reply, I'll take it like a man12... we're friends...% That won't change.13 Don't worry.
Rufure	…た、確かにね。あたしとあなたは、 一軍の将と軍師という立場…▼ お互いに軍隊を率いる者として、 そういった感情を持ち込まない方が▼ いいのは事実なんだと…と思う。▼	C-certainly. You and me, when it comes to our places as general and strategist of this army... as the people who lead the army together, it would be better not to bring such feelings into the situation -- I believe... that is a fact.%
Krom	…そう、そうだよな。▼	... Yes. Yes, that's true.
Rufure	…でもね。それは戦時の話よ。▼ いつの日か戦いが終わって、 平和を取り戻せたら。▼ その時あたしは喜んで、 あなたの気持ちを受け入れる。▼	... But! That's speaking of wartime. When the war ends, if we can restore the peace -- then, I will happily return your feelings15.
Krom	…えっ？▼	... Huh?
Rufure	だって、あたしだって…出会った時から、 ずっとクロムの事が大好きだったもの。▼	Because, because I... from the moment I met you, I have always adored14 you, Krom.
Krom	そ、そうか…。そうか、そうか…▼ …ははは、 今日は、俺の人生の中で最良の日だよ。▼	I-I see.... Oh, I see, I see. ... Hahaha, today is the best day of my life!
[A CG appears.]
Krom	俺の気持ちを受け止めてくれて、ありがとう。 いつの日か、共に平和を取り戻そう… 必ずな。▼	Thank you, for feeling the same way.15 Someday, we'll bring back peace together... I'm sure of it.

¹ "shinyuu" is a word for very tight friends, and I'd say is probably used less casually (and is less juvenile than) the English equivalent of "best friends". Fwiw, in Utena, I recall Saiyonji once protesting that Touga tried to call him his "shinyuu", in a very "back off bro, we're not that close" moment.
² "wouldn't you have to agree?" is my attempt to translate the feel of that sentence ending clusterfuck of "wa yo ne" ... which is like, "this is something I am confident and feel pretty strongly about, and I am checking in with you to see if you're on the same page."
³ The semantic meaning of "nante" here is so close to the fandom expression "what even" that I cannot help myself.
⁴ The original word is not gendered, but I feel like it corresponds closest to the English idea of a "brother in arms." And "sister in arms" isn't idiomatic.
⁵ If you're wondering, it specifically implies big brother-younger sister. If you've seen a lot of anime, or if you've just played FE8, you know that isn't entirely a platonic comparison.
⁶ I hate words relating to women. Not the Japanese ones, those make perfect sense. I mean the English ones. Ugh. Okay so in the line right above this one, Krom's saying that MU is just a female, except in English you don't say someone's "a female" unless you're treating them like lab subjects. The word this note is attached to is just the generic word for "woman" in Japanese, like, a human being who is female, except when you refer to a human being who is female in English and you are trying to be even moderately polite, you start strongly preferring "lady" over "woman." Except here in English we'd probably be more likely to say "A fascinating person?" Except gender matters in Krom's assessment right here. ... So yeah, here are nuances if you want them.
⁷ Not totally sure about this expression.
⁸ I legitimately have no idea what's going on here and neither do my resources. My best guess is that Krom is taking very loud deep breaths. I don't think he's laughing, as the other translator does.
⁹ As far as I can tell, this is a very contemporary thing. I have no idea what it is except it's cute. Judging from the way it sounds ("ha hee!") it's probably a startled giggle thing. The other translator apparently thinks it's like a slurred "yes" (hai -> hahi) but I personally doubt that.
¹⁰ No seriously, he used the word for true serious business love ("ai"). That's kind of gross.
¹¹ This one's "suki," the word for like-love. That's better, Krom. Keep the feelings in your big manly chest.
¹² "take it like a man" technically says "properly" but no one says that.
¹³ More literally, "We're comrades. Our friendship won't change." But no one says "comrade" like that in English.
¹⁴ "daisuki," strong version of like-like.
¹⁵ These two instances are literally "accept [my] feelings" but I'm pretty sure that the way you talk about that in Japanese is basically the equivalent of agreeing to be an item with someone or something.

---

Remarks: The dialogue definitely has a more spontaneous and contemporary feel to it. While the characters of FE were presumably always talking out loud, in 4 through 10 there's a certain elegance and propriety to the script like they'd acknowledged that they're communicating through the construct of face sprites and big boxes of monologue.

FE13 is very different. It depicts a lot more quirks of spontaneous spoken speech, all the stutters and the weird ways particular people stall for time. I wouldn't say it's bad -- I find it kind of fascinating actually -- but it's very different from what I'm used to seeing from FE.

My only other impression is that Krom is kind of a weird overcompensating hand-wringy man-boy. More Tormod than Ike.

... I think I like him.

Comments

[raphiael]

A more natural translation does help a bit, I think. And I agree, what I've seen seems more... chatty? At the same time, I still feel like I get less of the characters, despite getting objectively more info in some cases.

[amielleon]

My thought is that it might be precisely because it's chatty that we're getting less on the characters. I get the feeling that in previous games the writers had this mentality of like, "it's okay if the give-and-take doesn't quite feel like a real conversation, this is drama, let's just focus on having the characters expose themselves!" Whereas in Kakusei you might be getting much more of a character's "public face", the way they normally talk to people, rather than their Deep Dark Secrets.

[raphiael]

Well, what I got from some of them was more infodumpy "this is my life story and this is my weird quirk!" Which I guess is true of some previous supports, but I guess it came across as more genuine, less "backstory=personality". There seem to be less facets, despite there being more supports, I guess. I feel like even the most obnoxiously infodumpy characters had more dimension to them, despite having much less text.

[amielleon]

I feel like in the previous games that was an illusion to a substantial degree. When you have a relatively "normal" character whose place in the world you know, backstory bits seem like fleshing out. But when you have an intensely quirky character you don't extend the benefit of the doubt to them as you might to a character who seems comparatively "realistic". Then it's easier to judge them more harshly and say, "the only thing canon is really giving me is this quirk, and this backstory," even though it can be equally true of the more mellow character. ("All canon really gives me is their job and their backstory.")

[raphiael]

Maybe it's influenced by the quirks seeming a lot more like stock anime tropes than they previously did? I'm not going to claim FE is full of fantastically developed characters, because it really isn't, but I agree with Mark's idea that things have been getting progressively more "anime". Given the way much of 13's promo stuff and DLC looks more like a harem comedy than anything else, it's probably deliberate.

[amielleon]

Yeah, that. When you see part of an anime trope, your brain automatically fills them in with the rest of that trope. Whereas with, say, Renault, that empty space seems mysterious and deep.

[mark_asphodel]

Maybe it's influenced by the quirks seeming a lot more like stock anime tropes than they previously did?

I'm gonna go with this.

I mean, just look at the thumbnail bios for these characters:

"She hops around more than anyone in the army."

"She falls for absolutely no reason more than anyone in the army."

"She's the fastest eater in the army."

"Sighs more than anybody in the army."

These are neatly packaged cartoon characters, complete with a weird little gimmick for every character... just because. And if IS retconned the casts of previous games in this fashion, tacking on a cutesy gimmick to one and a freaky gimmick to another, I wouldn't like it either. I did NOT, in fact, like it in FE12. (Sheema and her @#$%ing doll collection.)

I'll take bare-bones and the leeway for my imagination over being telegraphed who has the worst sleeping posture and who has the nicest teeth.

[amielleon]

Soren's sleeping posture is adorable in my headcanon and no one can take that away.